Knowing Yourself is the Highest Form of Self-Care

some thoughts to ponder on as we find a deeper awareness to our being by Kirsty Anne Richards

At what point did you get to know yourself? When did you really know who you were?

I look back at my 20-year-old self and can see that she knew her core being, but didn’t know where to place herself, didn’t know where she belonged, how and why. I felt like a babe in my early twenties, too small for the big world. I moved to the US at that time, a country bigger than my own both in size and in cultural demeanour, and felt overwhelmed and lost. Doubting all I knew as I unpicked all I was taught. Clashing with a culture with whom I did not resonate, and did not feel where I belonged. I was drowning in my insecurities but didn’t see that at the time. Finding myself during this time became a web I had to weave on my own. Searching for what was real, what influenced my being and how to recreate the person I was and the person I wanted to be. I knew who I was, but didn’t at the same time and the journey of self-discovery was one that now influences all the work I am doing and bleeds into all the goals I have set for my future.

This process has never really ended, and will probably continue until the day I die as I discover more layers to the make-up of my being. But now, at 40, my roots are deeper, my trunk stronger, and I have learned to embrace the seasons in life - the loss of autumn, the harshness of winter, the revival of spring and the abundance of summer - moving unwavering with the universes’ ebb and flow. I think back to the moment I became so sure of who I am, this confident self I see reflected in the mirror, and I can’t find how it happened. Misplaced somewhere in the vastness of life. It seems as if I suddenly appeared and been here all along at the same time. I have found within knowing myself, that I am more confident. I set stronger boundaries and communicate them, and I express myself without (much) concern for the backlash that is expected when one is their authentic being. (Why is that, do you think, that we are so intimidated and afraid of those who reject the status quo and instead embrace a path more natural to their movements, their values?) I am more connected to my intuition and I don’t need others to validate how I feel or what I want. I don’t give a fuck what others think of me.

Photo by Mitch Walker on Unsplash

The more confident I have become, the less I am shaken by those who do not like me. And I think now why did I allow my self-esteem to be abused and depleted so much in my younger days? The obvious answer is that I was young and more susceptible to the opinions of those around me. But looking deeper I see that it’s more than that. We are social beings and are heavily influenced by our undying need to fit in, to belong, to be seen and heard and validated. It’s partly why we have placed markers to measure our success - wealth, fame, relationship status, titles - and we uplift certain identities over others to validate the social construct we have created. We need to feel valued and important. We say that these things don’t matter. We say our existence alone provides our lives with meaning and purpose. But that is not how we are treated if we don’t mirror the shallow markers of ‘success’ society has imposed upon us. So we chase them and desperately cling onto the perceptions others hold of us. Eventually becoming who are are told we are meant to be. I, too, feel a battle arise within me as I oscillate between wanting to prove myself to the naysayers and wanting to flip them off and tell them to go fuck themselves. There were many times in my life I thought that fighting and demonstrating anger is what makes one strong and powerful. Now I realise that rejecting societal pressure and finding a place within these social constructs can exist simultaneously and offer truth to our existence. My peace is my power. My anger is a reflection of how I do not want to be treated, or spoken to.

As I was thinking about this concept of knowing ourselves, knowing our triggers, what brings us joy, our values and our place in society, I thought about the importance of why we should spend time analysing the various aspects of ourselves, to not only get a better understanding of who we are but also to make us less susceptible to other’s opinions. I read this quote that says:

“What people think about you is actually just the way they think about themselves. If it affects you, then it is the way you think about yourself.”

Something struck in these words. “If it affects you, then it is the way you think about yourself.” Knowing yourself is also about witnessing, within you, how and why you are affected by the opinions or perspectives of others. One cannot truly change or become one’s authentic self if we are constantly weighed down with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or linger on the hurt others are trying to impose on us. We must rather accept these aspects of ourselves or find a way to change the parts we do not like. These triggers, rather than allowing it to upset us, are indicators of what parts of ourselves we can change.

What others say may not be entirely true, but can hold truth in their words. It is our responsibility, and in the best interests of building our self-worth, to find all the things that hold us back, all the things that benefit our growth, all the things that make us feel fulfilled and all the things that hurt us, so that we can become who we want to be rather than be who others want us to be. Getting to know yourself is the highest form of self-care. I think this was the key in my journey of self-discovery, the moment, or moments when I said no, I am not that and this is who I am. But it is a practice and a continuous one.

I do ballet and have learned some sage lessons during my practice. One thing about ballerinas is that even the most advanced dancers will attend beginner classes now and then. As we become better at the craft, we pick up on bad habits along the way, so going to a beginner class helps to improve on technique as you are forced to move slower, and more deliberately in the training. Going back to the basics helps to improve strength training and deepens one’s awareness of areas where they can improve. I think about this in other areas throughout my life. Where can I go back to the basics, or the first steps when working out ways to improve and strengthen my mind? Where did an insecurity first form and why? What steps can I take to build on my confidence and self-esteem? And what were the things I was drawn to when I was younger? Our childhood selves often hold a clue to our most natural beings as we were less impacted by the outside world than when we are as adults. Our younger selves are the beginner parts of ourselves; our older selves can learn the bad habits picked up along the way by going inward to the beginning of our respective journeys.

These practices can be in the form of writing, drawing, going for walks or general exercise, speaking to those you trust, or meditating. Instead of getting lost in the trigger from someone else’s opinion, or having our mind swirl us into dizziness of trying to fit into another’s mould, taking the space to reflect on that helps to build one’s sense of self and knowing who they are. It is vital to our personal and collective progression. A simple step of knowing ourselves, and deeply knowing includes all the negative aspects of our being, can move us into a higher, more authentic life where we are stronger and more confident in the person we have become.