Around my 30th birthday, I made a conscious decision to pursue the things I loved, the things that brought me joy and added to my overall well-being. My twenties had seemed like a waste and I had spent most of that decade deeply depressed, anxious, and feeling lost in the world. I barely knew what I wanted to do with my life, let alone who I was. I mean, I knew who I was but couldn’t find a place for my authentic self in the world. Which made me question the person I thought I knew. Everything that I had done up until then, just didn’t align with my core being and I lived in perpetual frustration at this. Tormented by inner demons, I led myself to a therapist desperate to find some answers, some salvation to the pain I had endured. It was there that I learned that the light at the end of the tunnel has to come from within, not something we will find in our external world. That is, we needed to spark the flame ourselves and allow it to guide us through our respective tunnels. To spark that light means to figure out new thought processes, and to form new habits, while also leaning into the past for clues and closures.
As my twenties were drawing to a close, I took stock of all my habits, thought patterns, and the things that I wanted to change. Quitting smoking was on my list. So was starting ballet again, pursuing a degree, doing more arts and crafts, travelling, and eventually move to London. My thirties were significantly better as I not only checked off all the things on my list and then some, but I also discovered how to exist in this conflicting world while remaining true to who I am. I had finally come to my own and lived my life more or less on my terms. None of these challenges were easy, and many times it felt impossible. Now, a decade later, I am turning 40 and I reflect on what conscious decisions I can make to amplify my life and…and I don’t know.
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