Unveiling the Self: Redefining Identity, Socialisation, and True Self-Care
some insight into the inspiration for our newest publication by Kirsty Anne Richards
While I was studying for my undergraduate degree, I took a class on human sexuality where we had an assignment asking us to write an essay on how we discovered our own sexuality. Something inside me clicked. I had not thought of how I knew, or when I realised what my sexual identity was, I just knew. But even with this knowing, there were still contradictory, and sometimes confusing messages relayed by societal mores of how I was supposed to behave, or how my sexual identity was required to be expressed. I knew then how much these messages impacted my mental health and how much they influenced my perceptions of myself. As I continued to study sexuality and psychology, I became more and more interested in the socialisation of gender and sexuality. How our identities are made up and what part of ourselves are our authentic being rather than the make-up society imposes on our identities. The more I learned about the politics surrounding the oppression of various demographics, the more I questioned my own boundaries and deeper inner truth about who I am and how I want to show up in the world. This was revolutionary for me, as for the first time I started to think about how I was taking care of myself. That is, what was my self-care practice? But first, let’s go over a few things.
Gender is a social construct (currently) designed to keep members of society in check, and to keep our society functioning as it is. This construct continuously changes to adapt to the political whims or societal demands of the day. In our timeline, our economic social structure is based on a capitalist system. That is, “a system in which the country’s trade and industry are controlled by private owners for profit.” We also live in a patriarchal society, in “which positions of authority are primarily held by men,” and where men’s needs and desires are pivoted above women’s. Our respective identities, therefore, are socialised to adhere to gendered roles intended to divide our labour in ways that uphold both the capitalist and patriarchal systems. We can go further with racial, class, and national origin divisions, but let’s keep this brief to stick to the point. There are feminine and masculine energies, sure, as dualities are found throughout the universe, but our identity does not exist within a binary. Human identity is constructed through religion, race, ethnicity, sex, gender, national origin, cultural heritage, class, and so on. All of these are determined by the society where the individual lives and all of these aspects make up our identity, including our sexuality. Not all Christians are alike, for example, as some are far more conservative than others, and their expression of their religion varies across regions or communities. Gender works similarly, as one’s gender expression is influenced by aspects such as environment, biology and the above-mentioned aspects incorporated into their self. Gender identity is not determined by sex, but rather one’s sex is incorporated into one’s gender identity.
All of these aspects in our respective identities heavily influence our overall mental well-being. Our identity is interwoven with our psychology and since our identities are socialised, it impacts our feelings of self-worth. With that all being said, while I was studying all of these subjects, I found a key factor to be missing in my classes and that was the importance of self-care.
Now, I need to clarify what exactly I mean by self-care as the mainstream tends to mislabel it as bubble baths, yoga retreats, and treating oneself to the myriad of luxuries laid out before us to purchase. That is all fine and dandy and perhaps helpful in making us feel good. But I mean self-care to be what it says it is: to take care of the self, and the self is both the inner and outer selves of our being, of our identity in its entirety. Building on your self-worth makes it harder to be influenced by societal influences of how you are supposed to be based on what the norm of the day is. The seers are on point when they say it starts from within. I want to add though, that it has to simultaneously start with us as a collective. I am because we are - ubuntu. Building on your self-worth is the foundation needed if you want to create a more inclusive diverse, and equal, or equitable society. As we are social beings, our identity is tied to each other, as well as belong to each of us as an individual. I cannot be a woman without the existence of other women. I cannot be human without other humans. Because without other identities I cannot know which one resonates with my self. This is what self-care is all about. Finding the love and truth within ourselves and honouring our self as well as yours. Sharing yourself with everyone around you gives them permission to be themselves and find their truth from the role model you are and allow them to be.
— Marcus Garvey
I need to emphasise this again because it is too important: Building your self-worth is vital as it makes it less likely for you to be influenced by others' opinions on how you should show up in the world. Your self-worth is your internal sense of being worthy of love and belonging with the sense of feeling good enough as you are. It is the deepest part of knowing and honouring yourself. Why do you think they want us to buy the face masks and golf clubs in the first place? Because they care? Or because they want to keep you insecure? Remember we are a capitalist and patriarchal society, and face masks are sold with a self-care label attached to them. Golf clubs match well with the wealthy male identity. Keep in line with the narrative they created, and we continue to enforce a divisive and hostile society that benefits no one, except the current systems. Abusers seek out vulnerabilities or insecurities to use as a tool to manipulate their victims. It hurts to be on the receiving end of the bullying. It also forces others to conform as they don’t want to experience the same vitriol. Perfectly reasonable. Because of our innate need to belong, to find our self through others, and to have our feelings and identity validated, having low self-worth makes it easier to fall victim to someone like Andrew Tate. Who is selling what, exactly?
Every single one of us will always reach out to others to find ourselves. We can’t help it, we are wired that way. The danger of pushing hyper-masculine and hyper-feminine messages as the ‘norm’ as well as the determination to push transgender identities out of the narrative, enforces messaging that is not natural to the individual and harms one’s overall mental well-being. It contradicts their internal knowing of the self and their identity. When I wrote that essay, I realised that discovering my sexual identity took way longer than puberty because I was bombarded with messages that went against what I felt was right about my natural self. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to belong, so I behaved in ways that didn’t align with my boundaries. And I veered from showing up in the world how I wanted to. I realised that if I didn’t spend more time getting to know my deep, inner self, I would continue to gravitate towards messages I thought would be beneficial to my self-worth; I would have continued to buy the face masks and seek opportunities that society was telling me I was supposed to achieve, or what they determined would be good for me.
Most people don’t take sexuality classes so it is imperative to create spaces where we can find the support, resources and empowerment we need. One’s self-care practice is different for each individual, but the importance of practice is to create a strong foundation within one’s self and find ways that benefit one’s overall mental and physical well-being. If we were to share more practices that benefit our mental health we could rediscover who we are by learning about the myriad of ways we can exist. We can learn to be free.
“For the master’s tool will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master’s house as their only source of support.” - Audre Laude
This was the inspiration for our new publication, Thorn & Bloom, where we wanted to open up space to discuss how self-care is needed and to share our practices or resources if we are to build on feminist values in creating a society that is not divisive or based on hatred toward others. Not only to talk about self-care but to also discuss the ways societal messaging has harmed us. To critique is to think differently and to find ways to change the way things are to something better. We do have the power to create a different society if we want to, just as we can choose burning incense or burning oppressive regimes (not literally, but you know what I mean). Self-care is the practice of healing from our traumas, acknowledging our flaws and finding out who we are if we were to remove outside influences. It is taking care of our core being so that we can build on our self-worth. It is fostering a space where we can freely express ourselves without bringing others down. Self-care is educating ourselves about the cycle of socialisation and using this as a tool to liberate ourselves from the shackles that keep us from progression. As Audre Laude said, we cannot dismantle the master's house with the master's tools. We have to create our own tools and build our own society, but we need to learn what tools have been used that keep us suppressed or oppressed. Growth starts from within and then blossoms out.
Enough of my babbling, we would love to hear what you think and what self-care means to you. And we want to learn more about the different ways you have been socialised. So, leave a comment or submit your stories to our publication. Your work can be in any genre and any style.
If you are still unsure of what I am rambling on about, we have scheduled a discussion this weekend where I break down the cycles of socialisation and the cycles of liberation. Click on the button below to sign up.
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